


Rising of the Isekai Salarymen

by DBSommer



Category: Berserk (Anime & Manga), Goblin Slayer (Anime), Slayers (Anime & Manga), 盾の勇者の成り上がり - アネコユサギ | Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari | The Rising of the Shield Hero - Aneko Yusagi
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26278642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBSommer/pseuds/DBSommer
Summary: It's another Isekai story, but not in the way you think as it's not a fantasy realm our characters are drawn to.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	Rising of the Isekai Salarymen

Rising of the Isekai Salarymen

A Rising of the Shield Hero Various Stuff Parody

As always I do not own the rights to Rising of the Shield Hero, Berserk, Slayers, or Goblin Slayer.

You can contact me at tsommer@zoominternet.net

All of my stuff is now stored at ff.net or a03.

So Isekai is a big thing now with people going to mostly fantasy realms and doing fantastic things. But it occurred to me if grabbing people from worlds and throwing them into different ones was so amusing across the multiverse, why do they all go in the same direction? Wouldn’t it make sense if the inverse was true was as well? Sure it is, ‘cause I said so and I’m the author. So we’ll go with the Rising of the Shield motif and work backward from there…

Oh yes, this is definitely a humor oriented one. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There was a flash of light and four figures found themselves in the center of an open area of a vast room. Four large, boxy machines, each with a slender projection coming from their tops and bending inward, were each at a corner forming a sort of square, and the quartet of people found themselves in the center of it. 

Throughout the room were technological marvels, sophisticated machines with lots of flashing lights, which was a universal sign your machine was sophisticated. Everyone just accepted lots of flashy lights meant sophistication. If anyone questioned what purpose the flashy lights served, why that only showed they were unsophisticated and people would shake their heads sadly at their ignorance since everyone *knew* lots of lights meant technological wonder. After getting treated like that a few times people stopped asking the question and accepted it must be true. Occasionally stubborn ones who wanted an answer kept asking ‘Why are they there? What do they mean? Where’s the bloody engineer who designed this monstrosity?’, and since no one actually knew those answers, but wouldn’t admit it for fear of admitting they had been bamboozled all this time, those folks that asked too many questions found themselves assigned to cleaning out sewers. There were no technological marvels down there: just waste, much of it bodily. Lots and lots of bodily waste. And terrible smells to go with it. Waste and smell were a two-for-one bargain no matter what universe you were in.

Beneath their feet was a dull glow emanating from the square of light they stood upon, the same one that had appeared under each one’s heels moments earlier, when they had been in the more familiar environs of their individual worlds.

One was a warrior dressed in full plate which hid every inch of his body. Even his helmet had a grill visor that made seeing his face impossible. He had white fur trim around the neck, and several pouches around his waist. He had a sword at his hip and a shield on his arm. He fairly radiated, ‘mysterious figure’. 

There was another swordsman, this one a mountain of a man in armor. However his armor allowed him to show off massive bare arms and a rough face. He was missing an eye and had a distinctive scar across the bridge of his nose. He also had a massive sword as large as him slung across his back. 

The third made up the only female member of the troupe. She had red hair and was very attractive. Her outfit was a brown leather top that showed a bit of generous cleavage and a purple skirt that revealed quite a bit of shapely leg, but not enough to be risqué. Leather bracers and thigh high boots completed her ensemble. She had a slender sword belted at her waist, a stark contrast to the largest man’s sword that appeared to weigh as much as her. 

The final one was also clearly a warrior, like the first two. Unlike those, he was more slender and his head rimmed with unruly blond hair. There was a somewhat vacuous look in his blue eyes. He only had light armor across his torso and shoulders. He wore a light blue outfit underneath the armor, and there was a sword of normal dimensions in a scabbard at his waist.

They were approached by a man in an impeccable brown business suit. He stood before them and implored, “Brave heroes, won’t you save us from disaster? Our company is in danger, and we used advanced technology to summon four cardinal heroes to save us. We teeter on the brink of financial annihilation, so please aid us.”

The four reacted in a variety of ways: anger on the largest, confusion from the blond, calculation from the woman, and… well the fully armored man was enigmatic since he just stood there and his entire face was hidden. Truly he was a mysterious figure, as was stated earlier. 

The largest man took action by grabbing the businessman by the collar and effortlessly hefting him off the ground with one arm. “Send me back.” It was a perfect mix of snarl and command.

The man remained calm, as though used to this situation. “Yes, well, here’s the thing. We can’t exactly get the funding to fire up the machine and send you back until the next fiscal year. And unless we meet our deadlines the company might go under. And if it goes under we’ll all be living in cardboard boxes under a bridge somewhere, unemployed. Did I mention we’re desperate due to understaffing? Tell you what, if you agree to help us make our deadline until we’re in the black, we’ll give you a wonderful severance package.”

“I can sever things perfectly fine in my own.” He set the man back down on the floor and fingered his sword meaningfully. 

“So there’s no going back if we don’t aide you?” the woman asked.

“Unless you have access to a dimensional nth machine, I don’t think so.”

She released a sigh. “Now I know how those idiots we summoned felt. Very well.” 

The others accepted the conditions, though none were happy. 

“It’s time to interview you to see what jobs you are ideally suited for. We have openings in many positions, and don’t discriminate against any race, species, or even if you’re alive. Which reminds me. We don’t allow any religious icons. It’s nothing against religion, it’s just some of the undead on the staff have an aversion and run screaming when it’s on display. Also all garlic must be kept in air-tight containers until they’re ready to be eaten for the same reason.” With that out of the way, the interviewer spoke to the fully armored, mysterious figure. “I’ll need your name so we can prep a nametag for you. If it’s unpronounceable to our tongue, we’ll just call you Jo. It’s ambiguous and can denote man, woman, or fluffy cat.”

“My name is Goblin Slayer,” he said in a voice that reverberated in his helm. 

“What skills do you have?”

“I kill goblins of all shapes and sizes in any way possible.”

The interviewer wrinkled his brow in thought. “Do you mean like that one in that Labyrinth movie?”

“I don’t know,” Goblin Slayer said. “Did it go around raping and killing women?”

“Oh goodness, no,” the man declared. “It seemed content to hang around with short, hairy subordinates, and romance women by abducting children in their care and doing song and dance routines. He also had fabulous hair.”

“That certainly sounds terrible, especially the song and dance part,” Goblin Slayer said. “But definitely not goblin-like. They never have fabulous hair.”

“I see. What other skills do you have besides goblin killing?”

Goblin Slayer pondered that. “I’ve been told I’m a chick magnet and many women are drawn to me. It’s odd since I never try to attract their interest.”

The interviewer’s eyes widened. “Oh dear god! Not one of those. We can’t let you in general population. I’ve seen what happens when female staff fight over a male employee. I’ve seen less backstabbing from an assassins’ guild. The passive aggressive cattiness is so terrible having things settled in bloodshed would be more civilized. You’re going to the mail room. Women never seem to want to date them.”

Goblin Slayer considered that. Being stuck in a room away from the rest of the world sounded bad, but maybe if he envisioned the mail room a goblin cave and the letters goblins, he could adjust.

The interviewer moved on to the largest of the newcomers. He appeared the most unhappy of them all, as in he was about to unlimber his sword and wreak havoc Biblical style. 

“And you are?”

“Guts.”

“So what job skills do you have?” he asked. 

The response was practically a feral snarl. “I’ve spent my entire life swinging my sword and killing people.”

The interviewer, rather than being intimidated, was practically giddy. “It’s like you were made for HR. Trust, me, you’ll fit right in that department.”

As the interviewer gushed, Malty made her plans. She had been calculating how to take advantage of the situation from the moment she had oriented herself. She thought she had a good grip on how things operated here and how to come out on top. Men were so easy to manipulate. She would make this one so pliable he’d be like putty in her hands. True, she used to toss putty away once she grew bored with it and its usefulness was at an end, but like men, its sole purpose was to entertain her and once it lost its purpose, why bother keeping it around?

As he approached her she employed her feminine wiles to have him eating out of the palm of her hand. She went with her ‘helpful while not realizing how sexy I am’ persona. “I would like to assist you in any way I can.” She added a smile which would radiate sincerity but intelligence. 

His reaction was to pinch the bridge of his nose in consternation. “I see you’re a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.”

“Excuse me!” she declared a touch angrily, her mask slipping.

The man was unfazed. “What skills do you have?”

This wasn’t quite turning out the way she envisioned. Malty went with being more forceful. “I have fire magic and I’m a princess.” That might make him respect her.

Instead he became more annoyed. “Oh hell. Another one of those. We’ll put you in the exalted position of Waste Management Technician.” 

Well, she saw through that job title immediately. How dare this lowly worm imply she was only fit for a being a janitor. She had had enough of these base insults. He would pay! Anger etched on her face, she raised her hand and pointed it at him. However nothing happened. 

“Magic doesn’t work here,” he informed her nonchalantly, as though her attempt to murder him was of no consequence. “Merlin and Gandalf weren’t happy about it either. They’re very good at data entry though. Tremendous help. Waste Management Headquarters is located down the hall, fourth door on the right. It’s marked, ‘Janitorial Supplies’.”

As Malty fumed the interviewer turned to the final one. “And what skills do you have?”

Gourry Gabriev considered that. “Well, I’m a swordsman and adventurer, and definitely not a mendicant as some have implied. People say I’m not too bright, but I like to think of it as not bothering to focus on smaller details. Me and Lina adventure along with others who help out, though the gang usually varies. Generally Lina takes charge, actually she always takes charge, and I do what she says no matter how bad an idea it is, and they frequently are. But we always make it through somehow.”

The man clapped his hands in delight. “You’ve got upper management written all over you. I’ll personally take you to management training. I have a feeling this company will be making our deadlines with the likes of you being part of the team. Especially when it comes to toilet cleaning.”

Malty wailed louder.

And that was how the four transported heroes found themselves in the wretched hive of scum and villainy that made up day to day operations of a major corporation

Xxxxxxxxx

[End story]

Well, technically it an isekai world, just not the sort of reversal of fortune most would expect.


End file.
